“Weak people revenge. Strong people forgive. Intelligent people ignore.”
― Albert Einstein
The journey to recovery is full of lots of ups and downs. Anger, resentment, self-pity, and sadness are just a few emotions in this roller-coaster of the massacre of your life in the aftermath after trying to leave a narcissist. We are all human, and in our darkest days we all fantasize about these evil soulless creatures getting what they deserve.
The sad truth is these narcissists do not feel emotion like we do. They are shielded from reality through the delusions they’ve created in their minds. They’ve developed over the years a defense mechanism to deflect and justify any and all of their actions, probably as a result of child hood trauma. The things that would weigh on a normal human being will not affect a narc. They live in blissful ignorance where even the most heinous actions of abuse can be attributed to someone else. They are forever the victim, regardless the scenario.
The idea of revenge is very human, when someone hurts us we want them to hurt. Truth is, they are already some of the most broken people. They will never be able to have a healthy relationship and the only people who will stay with them are even more broken than they are. Narcissists cannot be alone, as deep down they despise themselves, and need constant attention to be able to keep up the mask and image. Recall any of your past arguments with the narc, where insults about your character were thrown at you. They are notorious for projecting their own insecurities onto their partner or kids, and once you remove yourself and go no contact, that is the best revenge. It will kill them, and that is why they try everything possible to suck you back in, also known as “hoovering”. At the beginning the narcs want love and position affirmations. Towards the end, they will be satisfied just knowing they can get a reaction out of you because it means deep down, they still have control over you.
Let go of the urge for revenge. You are not like them. You do not need to allow them anymore control over your life. It’s a broken record, we hear it everywhere, “the best revenge is living well”. It’s because it’s the truth. When you no longer think of them, your mind is free to move on. They have no more control over your life. It won’t be an easy feat, as the abuse traumatized you. I really think anyone who has a large or no support group would benefit from therapy by a professional who specializes in narcissistic abuse. Having a training therapist validate you may be what you need to move on. Being strong is knowing when you need help, and being courageous enough to seek it.
Every day gets better and better. I feel like my emotions are stabilizing the longer I go no contact. All the contact with my narc is being done through my sister and only to be limited to issues concerning our daughter. At the beginning he tried to get reactions out of my sister by asking about me and being his normal psychotic self. Over time, it seems the less info we provide and only responding to anything about my daughter and ignoring everything else, his interest is starting to shift away. He is getting less aggressive as I don’t think he can sustain himself without a constant source of narcissistic supply and is looking for another source. Good riddance, but I feel sorry for the next victim.
As for me, I am trucking along. Taking care of my physical and mental health. I make the most of my reduced time with my daughter so she can experience some stability from one parent. I make as much effort as possible to think about how I can thrive in the future when my separation/divorce is finalized and can move on financially without having him attached to me legally. Thinking of the future fills me with excitement rather than the doom I used to feel when I pictured the future with him. Counting the blessings of today rather than looking back on the ugliness of the past, because that sh** is behind you. And that narc demon is beneath you.