Blind Rage

“There’s a sort of rage a man feels when he’s been deceived where he most trusted. It compares to no other anger.”

-Orson Scott Card

Good Morning all. I have been away for awhile due to distractions of life (mostly good). I had a work trip that went very well, I have to say it’s nice to be around people who are oblivious to your problems and the narcissist terrorizing your life because you can pretend to be normal for a change. How refreshing. Too bad this does not last.

I have a child I share with my narcissist, who put a phony protective order on me in an attempt to block me from seeing my child. All it did was block him from contacting me, so in a way it’s been a blessing in disguise. However, where it becomes difficult is when it comes to handling our child. He has a habit of snatching her on days that are mine on no notice, probably because he would love me to break the order so he could win in his evil plot.

So yesterday afternoon, off I went to get my daughter. I saw his car in the parking lot, but I did not know for sure if it was him as I do not know his license plate. I ventured in cautiously, caught a glimpse of him in our daughter’s room and got out of there. I learned a lot in that fleeting moment. I have been going to therapy for about 2 months since the narc almost broke me. I went for grief over the betrayal, and then dealing with the subsequent anger that came after that. I was making great progress in therapy, I really had all these imagined encounters with him where I would be cool, nonchalant, and indifferent. Like, “yeah, you tried to send me to jail, take away my daughter, get me fired from work, what up? You don’t phase me”.

Well, look at my last sentence. How can anyone expect to overcome that kind of abuse and trauma in 2 months? I did expect it of myself. In that fleeting moment, I fight what can only be described as blind rage. Rage because I hate his face, rage because he took away my daughter again, rage because he continues to do what he wants and break the rules with no repercussions, rage because I am helpless at fighting back due to his abuse of the legal system. BLIND. RAGE.

I went home, calmed myself down. Thought of what I learned in therapy. My therapist told me when this happens, take a step back and look at the bigger picture. Your daughter is safe. That is all that matters. The rage eventually subsided. Just because I don’t let my anger take hold of me, doesn’t mean I do not care and it does not mean I will accept being bullied. We have our settlement with our lawyers coming up, and I plan to fight. He has done a lot of nasty things to which he has not had consequences. I have everything documented ready to go in front of a judge to win the right way. I have hope that the system will not fail me as it has already. I have hope that in the end, I will see justice. Until then, I realize recovery is a process. You can’t heal over night, or in two months from years of abuse. Let yourself feel angry, but do not act on it. All part of healing and maybe one day I can report back I saw my narc and felt nothing but utter pity.

~D

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