Define Your Definition of Winning

“Don’t quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion.” -Muhammad Ali

Happy Easter Monday World!

I have had another very trying week dealing with my narcopath ex when it comes to custody and scheduling with our daughter. It’s been extra complicated due to him putting a senseless restraining order on me, from the early days when he was trying to gain a tactical advantage in custody and he thought a restraining order on me would banish me from seeing our daughter as well. It failed, and all it did was give me the peace of what I always wanted, freedom from him.

Freedom is not without it’s limits when you share a child unfortunately. The burden has been passed to my sister to mediate for our child’s time, and due to his lack of cooperation and unwillingness to get a lawyer for the first few months (he tried to abuse the legal system several times after his first failed attempt with subsequent failed attempts at false child abuse allegations). I felt great with the restraining order, however it’s not without guilt over the fact that my sister who is an innocent bystander is now tasked with dealing with this psychopath. We tried to set a schedule to minimize communication, only to have him always adjust it to continue to keep communication with our family. It seems he does not care if he is hated, as long as people still acknowledge his existence. True to his narcissistic nature, the biggest fear of his is being ignored and forgotten.

Back to the topic at hand, I tend to ramble in my introduction. I have been educating myself relentlessly on the topic of divorce with narcissists on the web and YouTube. I especially enjoyed DSD (Dad Surviving Divorce) channel on YouTube. He had a video about your definition of winning. I listened to this a couple months ago, when things were really bad and I had no grasp of how I was ever going to get out of this limbo of hell. You see, with this restraining order, my house is being held hostage. I want to move on with my life, I wanted to buy him out or sell so I could set up a new home and life. He has no way of being able to afford the house long-term, nor can he ever secure a mortgage. This tactic is merely a delay and gross abuse of the legal system meant to protect real victims, not disgusting lazy narcissistic men.

Anyhow, this video advised the person who was going through a divorce to document what they wanted. As in, what was truly important to you in this divorce so you could keep a clear goal in mind, and not be distracted by other little things that don’t actually matter. They may try to engage you into petty arguments over stupid stuff like furniture, but in the end, what do you really want and care about? I am always a fan of goals and lists. I did my own goal list for 2019 back in 2018 when I knew I wanted a divorce. I reviewed that list when I went to make my definition of winning my divorce list. A few items that I included in my 2019 and beyond goals included: Getting divorced, Forgive the ex and move on with your life, and other goals related to finances and personal well being. I plan to execute on getting divorced, basically a year after my date of separation I will file and celebrate. I also plan to forgive my ex because I recognize he has a sickness, and it is not something I desire to take on as it will never improve. The forgiveness part will come a lot easier when I can limit almost all communication with him.

My definition of winning in divorce was the following:

  1. 80-20 joint physical custody
  2. Ex out of the house within 14 days of signing separation agreement
  3. Financial settlement to only be the uplift of the home
  4. Sole legal custody

I believe in the power of positive thinking because when we have nothing else, we can at least hope. I go to bed every night and visualize the most important thing to me, and that is my daughter. I want primary physical custody more than anything else on that list. She deserves unconditional love and a nurturing home, something her father cannot provide due to his mental health issues. I will always facilitate a relationship with her and her dad, but I believe 50/50 will destroy their relationship because my daughter will grow resentful of her dad, and her dad will grow disenchanted since she is not obedient to all his controlling demands. It is not a healthy environment where she will thrive. Any man who is willing to rip a child away from their primary caregiver in an act of revenge, willing to use their child as a pawn should not have equal access to a child. That is my opinion.

We go into settlement with our lawyers in less than 10 days. I continue to go over all possible scenarios in my head. It is easy to play a victim like the narc when you’ve been falsely accused of so much and also removed from your home due to abuse of legal system, but I refuse. I will use all the things he tried to use against me to help me get my daughter back. I refuse to let this person beat me. In the end, their true nature is their own unraveling. I would advise anyone who is suffering to try their best not to play dirty, because my ex played dirty and his time of reckoning is coming. Make your list, focus on it, and do everything in your power to fight for your life and your children. This too, shall pass.

~D

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