Trying to Date, While Shattered…

After things transpired with my narc that flipped my world upside down and shook me to the core, nothing I believed before was ever the same. That someone could be evil but not violent, and want to hurt someone they claimed to love was nothing I had ever experienced in my life. This challenged everything I had ever believed. As a result of this, I could not even begin to think about letting someone into my life again. It seemed too risky, what if everyone after would be like the last one? They hide their red flags so well, waiting for the right moments to gradually show their true colors to you and then break you slowly over time so you don’t even notice you’ve been broken.

It seems the world works in mysterious ways, and as much as you don’t want to meet anyone and send out the vibes that this heart is closed off forever and ever to protect itself from betrayal, sometimes things happen that you cannot explain. I met someone through work, who I treated as any other coworker. I worked closely with him at a time where I was going through the worse shit of my life with legal issues brought up by my narc. Was completely myself and not trying to meet or hook up with anyone.

Fast forward to present day, I am happier than ever now by myself. Made it through my struggles and got to the other side alive. Battered and bruised by emotional scars, and forever changed as a person. This person starts to make their feelings known to me, not directly but through several small gestures. I tried everything to push him away, letting him know directly that I do not wish to pursue a relationship due to my past trauma. What echoed in my head were the words of my therapist last year. He said you cannot let the actions of one person rob you from love for the entire rest of your life. At the time I was like, wanna bet?

Things happened that are beyond my understanding that pushed us together, and I remember him saying to me I never believed things work out for people but the way things lined up I can’t explain. It is now that I wonder if we forget about the magic that can happen in life since we’ve been so busy suffering and healing that we forget good things can also happen.

To make it clear, I am not in love or diving headfirst into anything. All that this showed me was despite being shattered completely on an inconceivable level, is there actually a light at the end of this tunnel? I definitely do not believe someone can save you. You have to save yourself, which I did, but does that mean you have to be alone forever? I used to think that was the only way to be safe, but what if someone enters your life and actually makes it better and easier? Also inconceivable for me given what I’ve been through. This experience, I don’t know what will come of it but it did show me maybe love isn’t too late for me, and maybe I don’t completely want to shut it out of my life? Who knows…

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